We are all natively 'people pleasers'. I don't mean to imply that things haven't happened to us that haven't ratcheted us up or down from the average on that score, but generally, we hate to be told 'No' or to be put in the situation where we have to tell someone else those dread words.
I was raised with a good deal of influence from the 'South', which put such things in the category of rude. Being raised in a large family, it was generally thought of as being un-politick to be so bold, especially if you were born at the end of the litter. Likewise, being raised on a Navy Base and having served in four components of the Armed Forces, I was thoroughly trained in the regular recital of a loud and long, 'yes, Sir!'
All of that being said, I found it necessary to learn a new skill-set when I entered service in the Prison business that has served me in good stead ever since and has vast applications in unexpected areas. Besides being a risk to life and limb, working within jails and prisons tests your mental mettle unlike most other occupations. Within the barbed-wire and concrete, one encounters the most asocial of our entire population, as well as the most skilled manipulators. Working in Visiting Rooms in the course of my career, and interacting with inmate families as a Manager taught me that these wards of the State were once in the free-world, in our communities and wreaked havoc in our lives through the honed skills of manipulation. Perhaps we have found those skills are had in abundance in our own circles: that codger Uncle, the guilt plying Grandmother or the blackmailing sibling. You'll understand what I mean.
Early in my career, I learned the power of saying 'No'. First, to prove how unpleasant it was, we were given the exercise of looking at ourselves seriously in the mirror and telling ourselves, 'No,' with the predictable distaste resulting. Likewise, we did a little roll-playing (don't you just hate that?) and discovered that our reaction was pretty much universal. Once we were convinced of the life and career saving power of this skill-set, we got down to the practice and honing of this magical means of asserting our natural power and claiming control over otherwise daunting circumstances.
As an aside, I was once assigned to a working prison factory, where over a 100 Life-Term Convicts were all in the possession of scissors and I had neither weapon, stab-proof vest or radio to summon help; one hopes they have a acquired a few tricks for the sleeve in such a circumstance.
Continuing, we learned that it is easier to progress from 'No' to 'Yes' than the other way around, and that once you start making excuses for your 'Noes', you have lost all your power.
Besides a trip down my 'Memory Lane,' why should you care? At nearly 30 years of age, I had found that one of life's most valuable lessons had been deferred to this very moment. Without being selfish, ornery or mean, I found that I had a right, even an obligation to say 'No' in certain circumstances, but had never been taught, how. I found myself pushed, pulled, tugged and often dragged in a direction that my better angels knew was not in my best interest, nor to the advantage of the people, who might be taking advantage of me at the behest of someone else that they weren't aware they could say 'No' to.
Surprisingly, I found that the Self-Help Market even had a few books on the subject: Assertiveness, Closing the Deal, Dealing with Difficult People, etc, although none were specifically designed to keep me from being mauled in a Prison situation. But, unless you happen to be currently in that field and have somehow missed that class, there are other more cogent applications of this secret power.
Being a Christian man, I found that discipleship has a good deal to do with knowing when to say, 'No': (Titus 2:11-12) says, "11 For the grace of God has appeared that offers salvation to all people. 12 It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age..."
In work and family situations there are abundant situations, where saying 'No' in an appropriate situation will allow you to say an important 'Yes,' when it is needed most. And one of my favorites, these days: I will suggest that we all need to learn to say a clear and unequivocal 'No' to a representative, Constitutional government, when it no longer represents nor rules in accordance with its founding Documents, our Declaration of Independence and Constitution. Any arguments there?
As I opened this article, we all tend to feel most comfortable when we can look somebody in the eyes and see their pleasure as our 'Yes' slips passed our mouths. Surely, some of us have developed being successfully cajoled into an art form: "Wait for it, wait for it - there it is, 'Yes'!"
Seriously, though, one-sided relationships, empty pockets, unfulfilled lives and an amok tyrannical government is far too high a price to pay for the momentary brightening of the eyes at the word, 'Yes, Si, Oui, Ja!' All it takes is a little practice, the willingness to weather a little short-term criticism, and a modicum of patience, but the yields are quite remarkable: respect, balance, not being taken for granted, being able to use your resources as you see fit and, perhaps, the first step toward achieving a better, more neighborly government (we can only hope... and pray).
Jim Steed ... taking "The Right Angle"
